Saturday, July 15, 2006

Nine Tips for Scoring Chicks

In my continuing quest to make sweeping generalizations about huge groups of people, I've noticed that all boys suck at dating. Having noticed this, I would like to fulfill one of my New Day's Resolutions: give more unsolicited advice, and deliver the first nine of Julie's Tips for Scoring Chicks.

Okay, let's start about by looking at the number one accepted model for chick-getting, the so-called "chick flick." First, a brief overview of a common plot variant seen in these movies. Ahem.
Boy meets Girl. Girl is hot (hopefully, Boy is also hot, but it's not a requirement). Boy falls for Girl (why wouldn't he? She's hot!). Boy asks Girl out. Girl says no (in most cases, Girl is already in love with Hot Guy, whom everyone knows is a jerk except for her). Boy asks Girl out again. Girl says no. Boy follows Girl around school; shows up at her place of employment; sends flowers, candy, teddy bears, love notes, love letters, and official Declarations of Love; publicly displays his affection in some loud and embarrassing way. Boy displays a frightening level of knowledge concerning Girl's hobbies, interests, internal workings, intimate secrets, and ancestral background. Boy chants "Go out with me. Go out with me. Go out with me." Girl decides that Boy is "funny" and "cute" rather than "obnoxious" or "stalkerish." Girl goes out with Boy. Much love, sunsets, and acoustic guitars. Boy and Girl have a tragic misunderstanding and/or someone cheats on someone and/or someone thinks someone cheated and/or Hot Guy suddenly decides he likes Girl, after all. Boy and Girl break up. A montage. Sadder acoustic guitars. It rains. Boy and Girl get back together.
*Note: it helps if Girl has an engagement that she can break off - because nothing's more attractive than a woman who will string you along out of self-pity until you're convinced you want to spend the rest of your life with her and then chicken out at the last minute.
Okay, this leads me to Tip One: Do Not Act Like the Guys in Chick Movies, because in real life, any halfway sensible girl with call the police. And believe me, nothing stalls a budding romance faster than a restraining order.

Now I'd like to briefly discuss the actual Asking Out Moment. To do this, I'll be analyzing a few real-life situations acted out by Hotface (aka, the boy I like) in his attempts to score The Most Amazingly Beautiful Woman in the World (commonly abbreviated as Julie).

Attempt #1
Hotface: Hey baby, whatchu up to fifteen minutes from now? I wanna take you out to the Wal-Mart!
Okay, there are a few things wrong with this. First of all, "whatchu" isn't actually a word. But even aside from that, Tip Two: Never Call a Girl "Baby" unless you know it's okay - ie, you're already dating her, and she says it's okay. A baby is a small, irregularly proportioned person who is completely incapable of coherent speech and most likely bears a striking resemblance to Winston Churchill. Now don't get me wrong, I love babies - I just fail to see why anyone would want to date one. Going beyond the Baby Issue, I'd like to point out Tip Three: If She's Known About It For Less Than Two Hours, Then It's Not Really a Date so much as a last-ditch effort to find someone to hang out with before you plunge irretrievably into boredom for the evening. At best, you're hanging out with a friend. Finally, while Hotface follows Tip Four: Have a Plan (after all, if she'd wanted to plan the thing she could've just asked you out), he fails on Tip Five: If You're at Wal-Mart, You're Not on a Date (okay, that's part Girl-Getting Tip and part memo to one of my ex-boyfriends). It's universally understood - or if it isn't then it should be - that Wal-Mart is a no-date zone. Even if you're on some more elaborate sort of date, and you just have to stop into Wal-Mart for a minute, you are not on a date while you're in Wal-Mart. Before you go into the store and after you come out, maybe, but never while you're actually in the store.

Attempt #2
Hotface: I...I...Iwantyoutohavemybabies!!
Tip Six: Don't Tell Her You Want Her To Have Your Babies. Keep that to yourself for now.

Attempt #3
Hotface's Friend: Hotface likes you.
Let me ask you, what is she supposed to do with this information? I'll tell you what her usual response is:
Julie: Okay.
Therefore, I would like to add Tip Seven: Ask Her Yourself. Please note the careful wording: ASK her yourself. The upfront "Hey, by the way, I like you" conversation has in my experience never been anything short of completely awkward. I would like to type two important words from that last sentence again, only bigger this time for emphasis: COMPLETELY AWKWARD. Do not just tell her. Do not tell her over IM. Do not tell her in an email. Do not tell her in a text. Do not pass her a note during study hall. If you have some kind of mental illness that prevents you from not asking her, then at least have the decency to face the awkwardness head-on and tell her yourself, in person. Because I really discourage this, however, I'm just going to add Tip Eight: If You Like Her, Ask Her Out. It's so simple. You don't have to stalk her, manipulate her, sit around waiting for her to come to you, or have some big monologue moment in front of all of your friends. You just have to ask her out. If she says no, then there you have it. If she says yes, then it means she's willing to consider it. And hey man, be considerate: let her consider it. Whoa, that's catchy. I think I'll put that on a tee shirt.

Attempt #4
Hotface: Hey Hot Stuff, wanna go get some eats?
I actually don't see anything wrong with this one. He compliments her, he's got a plan. And besides, he's Hotface! It's not like I'm going to turn him down! (Here's where we find Secret Girl-Getting Tip #1: Be Hotface. I can't put that one in bold, though, because it's a Secret.)

Because this blog is getting to be a ridiculous length, I'm going to just jump into my final bits of advice. Tip Nine: Never Underestimate the Power of Girl Network because Girl Network can hurt you. Girl Network here refers to the mysterious ability girls have to just know stuff about people. Do not offend Girl Network. Girl Network will know if you are a jerk. You do not want anyone in Girl Network to decide you are a jerk, because a sensible girl will consult Girl Network before agreeing to go out with you - and if you're a jerk, nobody wants to date you (unless possibly you're really really hot
, but that's another story). Don't avoid Girl Network either, though, because it can help you out a lot. If your reputation says you're an awesome guy, that'll increase your chances greatly. Also, you can use Girl Network to figure out if the girl you want to date is a psycho. Knowing this can prevent you from dating a psycho, or at least from being surprised that you've been dating a psycho.

Okay, that's all the advice I feel like giving right now. If you like what you saw here, you can probably purchase the rest of Julie's Tips for Scoring Chicks for the low price of nineteen-ninety-nine-ninety-five. Call now. I might actually answer my phone.