Saturday, March 29, 2008

Signs Your Boyfriend is a Superhero

- He's exceptionally mild-mannered.
- He has a weird affinity for Spandex.
- It's impossible to get a hold of him at night.
- He mentions he was exposed to radiation, toxic waste, mutated animals, or sundry other scientific experiments, but for some reason he doesn't look seriously ill.
- You seem to get kidnapped by evil masterminds an awful lot lately and no one can explain why.
- Every time something catastrophic happens when you're out together (which is surprisingly often, come to think of it), he ditches you until it's over. You keep dating him anyway.
- You're attracted to a superhero because he's wild and dangerous and mysterious, which your boyfriend definitely is not. The two do have roughly the same build, however.
- He always knows the location of the nearest phone booth, which is weird because you both have cell phones.
- You know an abnormal amount of people who are in comas.
- He's actually supporting himself solely as a freelance photographer or journalist, even though you rarely see him do any work. Also, all of his stories or photos feature the same superhero, despite the fact that the two have never been seen in the same room together. Alternatively, he's a millionaire who also never seems to do any actual work, ever.
- When you badmouth superheros, he takes it REALLY personally for some reason.
- He's moody, evasive, emotionally unavailable, constantly tired, unreliable, angsty, cowardly, and you are almost certainly way out of his league, but for some reason you just keep dating him.

I hope you took note of this; I feel it's important for any woman living in a large, crime-ridden city (like Provo) to be aware of the signs.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Cool Points Report - 3/4/8

In order to keep everyone up to date on my opinions, I am establishing a Coolness Report to tell you where people are on the current Coolness Scale. This way you can know who is cool, who isn't, and exactly what you should think and believe. As this is based on a point system, obviously you should like people who are gaining in points, and you should dislike people who are losing points. Ready? Here we go...

The Following People Have Recently LOST Cool Points:

Gary Hubbell and "The Angry White Man"
...At least as described in the Aspen Times News last month. And I quote:
"'Press "one" for English' is a curse-word to him."
"[The] thought of killing someone who needs killing really doesn’t bother him."

Nobody like him drowned in Hurricane Katrina — he got his people together and got the hell out, then went back in to rescue those too helpless and stupid to help themselves..."
He knows that his wife is more emotional than rational, and he guides the family in a rational manner."
And it goes on. Oh, it goes on. Basically if you just go through this article and replace "Angry White Man" with "Massive Tool" everywhere you find it, you'll have an inkling of what I think about Mr. Hubbell's opinion. In fact, Hillary Clinton actually gained some Cool Points just because "the Angry White Man loathes Hillary Clinton," which is about the only reason she hasn't hit the lower depths of the Coolness Scale lately (seriously lady, can we just chill?). And I'm sorry, but if you identify with more than about 30% of this article, then you're probably a bit of tool, too.

The US Mint
What's with turning the Sacajawea dollar coin into the James Madison dollar coin? I know he was instrumental to the writing of the Constitution and all (I mean, I've seen A More Perfect Union), but come on. It was so cool having a coin that didn't feature an upper-class white guy, even if it was a coin that nobody really uses.

Charlotte Allen and The Washington Post
"The theory that women are the dumber amply supported by neurological and standardized-testing evidence....So I don't understand why more women don't relax, [and] enjoy the innate abilities most of us possess...Then we could shriek and swoon and gossip and read chick lit to our hearts' content and not mind the fact that way down deep, we are . . . kind of dim."
Yeah...I know the Washington Post people said the article was supposed to be "tongue-in-cheek" (in which case she just doesn't know what she's doing if you ask me), but I somehow doubt it based on all that I've heard about Ms. Allen. Then again, I'm more emotional than rational, and also kind of dim. (Read the article if you feel like being annoyed today. And then read Katha Pollit's response and feel a little better about life.)

My Sociology 112 Midterm
That was NOT the grade I wanted.

Meanwhile, These People Have Gotten Significantly Cooler:

Daniel Day-Lewis
Watch There Will Be Blood. That's all I have to say.

Mary Doria Russell
The Sparrow was about the best thing I've read this year.

A few points gained for going on strike. Many, many more for not being on strike anymore.

Emma Thompson
Here's the story: gorgeous British actress Hayley Atwell was asked by the producers at Miramax to lose weight for her role in Brideshead Revisited. Emma Thompson, who also appears in the film, heard about Atwell's predicament one night over dinner, and the next day she called the producers and threatened to quit the film if they didn't let Atwell off the hook. Emma Thompson is so cool, and so powerful, and so Oscar-winning, that the Miramax guys quickly shut up, and now when the film comes out we can see Hayley Atwell in all her gorgeous, non-sickly-looking* glory. Emma also apparently calls up Kate Winslet every now and then to ask if she's eating "proper desserts." I love it. You know how I said before that I might want to be her when I grow up? Well now I definitely do. (This story was originally reported by People.)

Stephen Sondheim
He hasn't actually done anything lately to warrant a sudden rise in Coolness, at least not that I'm aware of, but we were just assigned scenes from Sunday in the Park with George in my Musical Scene Study class and it reminded me of how much I LOVE THIS MAN's work. Sondheim is so cool that Tim Threlfall gets cooler just for assigning his stuff to us in class. And since I've lately become addicted to imeem, you can now find my paltry 5-song Sondheim playlist there. Yay!

In Summary...

British actresses are cool; angry white guys are not. Hm...what else is new?

*You want sickly-looking? Check out Renee Zellwegger lately. Remember when she used to actually, you know, have a body? Here's a comparison care of the Daily Mail.

Monday, March 03, 2008

Google Ruins My Life...Again

"So put on those clothes you never grew into and smile like you mean it for once. If you come back, bring a new name for everything." - The Weakerthans, 'A New Name For Everything'

So today while I was procrastinating some much-needed work I decided to see if I could find myself on Google (I thought about trying to find myself in the faces of the ones I love, but Google seemed quicker). So I cruised over to the website, typed in my name, put quotes around it, and then hit "Google Search". I was SHOCKED by what I found - there have got to be a bajillion Julie Saunderses out there! And not only that, but they're all actors, writers, singers, and/or artists! Now, on the one hand it's nice to know that my name is somehow predestined for artistic expression. But on the other hand, this certainly doesn't help one to feel like a particularly unique, original person.

Now, I did find myself on Google - on the second page, and it was just my imeem profile - but with so many other Julie Saunderses out there competing to be me, who's going to notice? And since everyone forgets my name anyway, I've decided that maybe it's time for a change.

Changing your name seems major, but it's not really that big of a deal. Why, all of these people did it - and we only know because they're celebrities! Who knows how many people do this all the time? The problem, of course, is deciding what one's new name ought to be. There are a billion names out there and it's always hard to say which will fit me best. Luckily I get renamed a lot by people, so that at least gives me someplace to start. Let's see, in recent memory I have been mistakenly called
- Lauren
- Jessica
- Megan
- Sarah
- Emily
Lauren is by far the most common name mistake people make, but I already know a way cool girl named Lauren and taking her name would be just plain weird. I don't think the others actually fit at all, though I did once spend an entire semester with some of my friends calling me Sarah at least as often as they called me Julie. That was weird. And I already have a name tag clipped to my backpack that says Kate (gift from a little girl at a King Lear performance), so it wouldn't be too far a stretch to start going by that.

Here are some other names I like: Keely, Emory, Ayden, Aideen, Aurelia...none of them seem to fit. Though I did search for "Keely Saunders" on Google and came up with only 9 responses, and all of them fairly uninteresting except for the one who was a tennis player or something.

Of course, Julie isn't my real name anyway. It's actually Julienne. This is a little-known fact about me, since there are only about 3 people in the world who ever call me Julienne (not even my parents call me Julienne, and they gave me the name!). So I guess I could start going by Julienne Saunders. There are no matches for that on Google! Of course, then I'd have to go by Julienne Saunders. That's not good.

Maybe the answer's not my first name, come to think of it. Maybe my last name should change. I once dreamed up Julie Carroway for myself, which yields only one result and that's just the person's first name followed by where she's from as far as I can tell. There are 29 Julie Carraways and 66 responses to Julie Caraway on my old friend Google. And none of them appear to be encroaching on my identity in any way. Yeah, I could definitely enjoy being known as Julie Carroway. Or there's always my old "stage name" from 7th grade, Zichi Calhoun. Now there's a winner - you won't find one anywhere! And it wouldn't be that much weirder than Diablo Cody, whose name used to be Brook Busey of all things.

The problem, of course, is that I rather like being Julie Saunders. It's got a nice ring to it. People know it already. It's on all my things. And I have a really cool signature worked out for it. Hm. Well, what do you think - go for something new or find a moral justification for killing off 12,599 people named Julie Saunders? It's a difficult problem, to be sure.