Wednesday, December 17, 2008

My Letter to Santa Claus

Dear Mr. Claus,

I don't want material gifts for Christmas this year. All I want are pure expressions of love.

Ha ha, that was a lie.


PS: Where's that flying pony I keep asking about? And don't give me any nonsense about how they "don't exist". You are Santa Claus, for goodness' sake - you've got to know better than to try that little argument.
PPS: Please and thank you.*

*No coal in my stocking this year!

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

In Which I Finally Start Watching Heroes.

For the last week or so I've been stuck at home, sick and exhausted for most of each day. Being all caught up on 30 Rock, The Office, and NCIS, and since I've resolved not to do any new plays or shows of my own for a while, plus I finally finished Twilight Princess (which was freaking AMAZING...but more on that later), I figured I was safe to go looking for another TV show (what, you thought I would use my time productively? Ha!). Naturally, I turned to Heroes.

First of all, I am only halfway through Season One. That is as far as I've gotten. I refuse to know what happens next, at least until I get tired of guessing. So DON'T TELL ME. I wi
ll rip you apart faster than Niki the Angst-Ridden Stripper's creepy alter ego. I have heard that the current season will annoy me even more than Season One does. I would like to find that out for myself, thank you. Secondly, yes, I admit that this show is at least like 30% kind of annoying. However, it is like 75% really addictive, so who cares? Plus, anyone who knows me well will guess that I'm just really into the comic book vibe this series has. I feel that it will prompt many blog posts from me in the future.

Now, a quick rundown of the characters as I know them so far (in other words, if you haven't watched the first half of the first season, I'm giving things away). First of all, you have Mohinder Suresh (pictured left), who is important to remember because he is DEAD SEXY. Also, he's smart or something. The other hot guys are Peter Petrelli, aka Jess from Gilmore Girls but with better emo hair, and Isaac Mendez, the OMG so moody heroin addict who paints the future. I would totally read Isaac's comic book, and that's not even a euphemism for anything. Both of those two have slept with Simone, who is kind of an art dealer but is mostly just there to be everybody's angsty love interest. Peter also has a brother named Nathan, who's kind of like Harvey Dent except that Harvey Dent is cool. Then there's Hiro Nakamura, who is pretty much everybody's favorite character. You don't have to ask anyone's opinion to know that; you just have to watch the show. Also, he is proof that everybody loves an enthusiastic supergeek. Especially one who can bend space and time. He's currently traveling around with his friend Ando, who likes to use Hiro's powers to get himself stuff, which I respect. Oh, and there's Matt Parkman, an LAPD officer who reads minds and has a perpetually angry wife. One might be tempted to say that he's henpecked, but come on, can't he see that she's PISSED!!?! Good thing he's Mel Gibson from What Women Want now. Comes in handy, that.

The girls are currently mostly annoying, largely because like most comic book heroines they are more or less walking fetishes. First there's Niki Sanders. Her name looks like a misspelling of my sister's old name. Unlike my sister, however, this Niki is good for only 2 things (but only because she's 2 people): sex and killing people. Occasionally she's also a mom, largely for angst reasons. The other main lady to know is Claire the Cheerleader. She's blonde, sexy, constantly in her uniform for some reason, and capable of taking an infinite amount of abuse! Oh, sorry, I mean that she regenerates from pretty much every injury. If you save her, you save the world. Claire saving herself doesn't count.

At first I figured everything would end happily on this show, but then I got a good look at Claire's dad, Noah Bennet, and the ending became clear. First, the bomb will go off in New York, throwing America into a post-apocalyptic world in which Lost Vegas is the only remaining free state, ruled by The King. The King will die and Claire's dad will pick up a guitar and a katana and begin traveling across the country. The rest of the group, if they survive, will buy really cool shoes and band together to form The Red Elvises. Except, that is, for the Creepy Psychic Killer Dude, who trades in his baseball cap for a top hat, forms his own evil band, and generally starts dressing like Slash from Guns N' Roses. Niki the Stripper's son Micah also survives the bomb, but he stops talking and just goes by "Kid". You can see a theatrical trailer for the ending of Heroes Season One here.

Annoying Girl Who Hangs Out With Suresh will not survive the blast. Though at least I'm glad to know he's into white girls with short brown hair. Hey, maybe it'll end a different way! Maybe he'll leave her when he finds out she's really EVIL and then he'll come find me and fall madly in love! Oh my gosh, maybe that's my Heroes superpower - making hot guys from TV appear in real life and fall madly in love with me! DO NOT TELL ME IF THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS. I like surprises.

For now, I'll be watching. And waiting...