Google Ruins My Life...Again

"So put on those clothes you never grew into and smile like you mean it for once. If you come back, bring a new name for everything." - The Weakerthans, 'A New Name For Everything'

So today while I was procrastinating some much-needed work I decided to see if I could find myself on Google (I thought about trying to find myself in the faces of the ones I love, but Google seemed quicker). So I cruised over to the website, typed in my name, put quotes around it, and then hit "Google Search". I was SHOCKED by what I found - there have got to be a bajillion Julie Saunderses out there! And not only that, but they're all actors, writers, singers, and/or artists! Now, on the one hand it's nice to know that my name is somehow predestined for artistic expression. But on the other hand, this certainly doesn't help one to feel like a particularly unique, original person.

Now, I did find myself on Google - on the second page, and it was just my imeem profile - but with so many other Julie Saunderses out there competing to be me, who's going to notice? And since everyone forgets my name anyway, I've decided that maybe it's time for a change.

Changing your name seems major, but it's not really that big of a deal. Why, all of these people did it - and we only know because they're celebrities! Who knows how many people do this all the time? The problem, of course, is deciding what one's new name ought to be. There are a billion names out there and it's always hard to say which will fit me best. Luckily I get renamed a lot by people, so that at least gives me someplace to start. Let's see, in recent memory I have been mistakenly called
- Lauren
- Jessica
- Megan
- Sarah
- Emily
Lauren is by far the most common name mistake people make, but I already know a way cool girl named Lauren and taking her name would be just plain weird. I don't think the others actually fit at all, though I did once spend an entire semester with some of my friends calling me Sarah at least as often as they called me Julie. That was weird. And I already have a name tag clipped to my backpack that says Kate (gift from a little girl at a King Lear performance), so it wouldn't be too far a stretch to start going by that.

Here are some other names I like: Keely, Emory, Ayden, Aideen, Aurelia...none of them seem to fit. Though I did search for "Keely Saunders" on Google and came up with only 9 responses, and all of them fairly uninteresting except for the one who was a tennis player or something.

Of course, Julie isn't my real name anyway. It's actually Julienne. This is a little-known fact about me, since there are only about 3 people in the world who ever call me Julienne (not even my parents call me Julienne, and they gave me the name!). So I guess I could start going by Julienne Saunders. There are no matches for that on Google! Of course, then I'd have to go by Julienne Saunders. That's not good.

Maybe the answer's not my first name, come to think of it. Maybe my last name should change. I once dreamed up Julie Carroway for myself, which yields only one result and that's just the person's first name followed by where she's from as far as I can tell. There are 29 Julie Carraways and 66 responses to Julie Caraway on my old friend Google. And none of them appear to be encroaching on my identity in any way. Yeah, I could definitely enjoy being known as Julie Carroway. Or there's always my old "stage name" from 7th grade, Zichi Calhoun. Now there's a winner - you won't find one anywhere! And it wouldn't be that much weirder than Diablo Cody, whose name used to be Brook Busey of all things.

The problem, of course, is that I rather like being Julie Saunders. It's got a nice ring to it. People know it already. It's on all my things. And I have a really cool signature worked out for it. Hm. Well, what do you think - go for something new or find a moral justification for killing off 12,599 people named Julie Saunders? It's a difficult problem, to be sure.