There is this boy that I know. Because I'm apparently still in junior high school I don't generally call him by his real name when I speak about him in this context; I call him by the most hardcore name that I could think of off the top of my head when I first nicknamed him, which is Thunder Hotrod McGillicutty. I have a kind of a minor (major) thing for this boy right at this moment. He is fabulous, wonderful, attractive, blah blah blah. Now, I know by now a bit of my pattern with regards to boys that I like: I meet one, I develop some kind of intense attraction to him, and then I think to myself "I've never felt this way before!" when in fact I've felt exactly this way many times before, and then after a while (usually about 4-6 weeks) it fizzles and I move on to repeat the cycle with someone else. But I honestly think that I've said more outright stupid things to and/or around Thunder Hotrod McGillicutty than any reasonable person should have to hear coming out of one's own mouth. It's ridiculous. And this poor guy has received so many mixed signals from me - and this has been going on for months.
You see, I'm impossibly oblivious when it comes to how other people feel about me. I can spend months hanging out with someone, even sharing some pretty personal experiences with them, and not realize that we're friends until they say something. And I basically NEVER know if a guy likes me. I'm the kind of girl who comes home to her roommates and says things like, "So his friend says that he likes me, and he's always complimenting me and giving me things, he keeps coming over here, we hold hands frequently, and I'm pretty sure the other day he kissed me. Do you think he likes me?" These roommates proceed to laugh, and I remain confused until they actively convince me that not only does he certainly like me, but I've also been involved in an exclusive relationship for the past two weeks. Never underestimate how clueless I can really be. So this leads to me sending poor Thunder a lot of crazy weird mixed signals - it's not just that I'm afraid (which I am), but since I can't figure out what kind of "signals" he's sending me, I have no idea how to act toward him. At best, I miss these things completely. At worst, I completely misinterpret what I get (oh, he keeps looking at me. He must think I'm weird). It's ridiculous!
And then I'm not generally self-aware enough to know what kind of signals I'm sending out anyway. I'm basically incapable of thinking before I speak. Seriously. If I plan out what I'm going to say before I say it, I'll inevitably get all my words mixed up and turn into a stuttering weirdo within moments. I forget to say the first part of the sentence because I'm thinking about the last part of I'll just get all the words out of order or who knows what. So in general I'm stuck thinking while I speak. But that gets hard because there's so many other things to think about while you're speaking, like if your words are coming together in a way that makes sense or if they're listening to you at all, so actually most of the time I save my verbal self-evaluations for after I speak. Though I've been told this should give me a natural advantage in acting Shakespeare (whose characters tend to verbalize all their thoughts), it definitely holds me back in the relationship department. I wind up sitting there with Mr. Thunder Hotrod McGillicutty, and there are all these words coming out of my mouth, and I'm just thinking What am I saying? Why did I start telling this story in the first place? Oh well, I guess it's too late to stop talking now. And then a few hours later as I'm running back through the conversation in my head, I suddenly realize that not only did I make myself look like an idiot, but I probably offended him and certainly made it sound like I was interested in anyone in the world but him. What's my problem and how should I fix it, you wonder? How am I supposed to know??
Anyway, all of this is long ramble about my personal neuroses is really just a very long preface to a long set of song lyrics I'm about to post here. Normally I'm opposed to posting song lyrics in my blog-style writings, but I figure in this case it's an obscure enough song that you're not likely to know why it applies because you aren't familiar enough with it. So Thunder Hotrod McGillicutty, assuming that you know who you are (and you probably don't, you poor soul), this one's for you:
Whiskeytown/Ryan Adams - "Fool"
Held up on the interstate
Sky pretty enough to paint
Held out and I was too late
Held out and I was too late
I should 'a laid it down
I should 'a been myself
But I'm such a fool
I'm such a fool
I'm such a fool
To you
Busy night on the town for a drink
Doing up on the bathroom sink
Pretty lights, pretty wasted so
Somewhere in
I should 'a laid it down
I should 'a been myself
'Cause I'm such a fool
I'm such a fool
I'm such a fool
To you
Imagine the slowest dance in the whole wide world
Roll through the crowd with your arm around a girl
Dressed up with no place to go
See the people I don't want to
Two drinks and we'll take some pills
Wonder how it used to feel
I should 'a laid it down
I should 'a been myself
I'm just a fool
I'm just a fool
I'm just a fool
For you
