To me, finals are like these distant cousins who for months keep sort of hinting that they're going to come visit you sometime, but refuse to tell you exactly when. Then one day as you're just getting out of the shower there's a knock at your door and there they are! And your house is a mess, and you've got no extra beds for them to sleep in, and your friends are coming over in less than an hour to take you out to dinner, and you've got your whole life to worry about for goodness' sake, but here they are. Sitting on your couch waiting to be entertained while their misbehaved children make a bigger mess of the already established mess that was once your living room. But no matter how much you want to tell them to just get lost already, you can't because...because they're family! Family with mob connections!
Now, at first Finals were just kind of annoying. They followed me around the apartment, guilted me into taking them to meet my friends, visited my classes, that sort of thing. But now they've started to turn nasty. They keep telling all my associates these embarrassing stories about when I was younger, spreading untrue rumors about me to people I don't even know that well, and hitting up everyone they see for money. Worse, they push me to do all sorts of things that I shouldn't. They put all sorts of delectable but desperately unhealthy foods in front of me, foods which are bound to murderate my delicate girlish figure. I abandon my social life to entertain them, I get mad at my friends because of them, they keep me up all night just talking about nothing. To quote a friend who was sort of quoting me, "Not helping."
All this wouldn't be so bad except that my Finals tend to bring along with them their close family friend, a bratty little kid named Proficiencies. The problem with Proficiencies is that he happens to have some very important parents, and he knows it. So Proficiencies has no problem demanding all of your time. In fact, Proficiencies is even able to distract you from Finals themselves (which Finals punishes you for quite dearly afterward). And annoying as Proficiencies is, there's absolutely nothing you can do except bend to his every whim and accomodate him, unless you want to offend his parents. I do not want to offend his parents. Your future semester* depends upon what his parents think of you. Fortunately, Proficiencies doesn't stay nearly so long as Finals, but he has this weird way of leaving you all obsessed with his visit. Did Proficiencies give his parents a good enough report of you? Does Proficiencies like you better than he does the other actors at your school? What could you have done to make Proficiencies like you better? Why, WHY did you tell Proficiencies to wait for just a minute while you took care of something else? It's all very distressing.
Thankfully, Finals have promised to stay for only a week. And while they do a lot of rotten things, Finals at least tend to leave when they say they're going to leave. Until then, though, I apologize to all friends, hobbies, interests, neatfreaks, social engagements, and dependents. I'm sorry that I've been neglecting or abusing you all. But you see, Finals are here. And Finals must not be denied. Not until next Tuesday, anyway.**
*And possibly eternity
**Though of course, on next Tuesday Finals' ugly nephews Packing and Moving are coming over. But they're another story altogether.
I hear you, Julie. I hear you. But, as bad as all this can be, just be grateful that everyone's favorite uncle, Death, hasn't come knocking on your door. That would be a shame.
ReplyDelete