Blogging about Blogging. Also, I Finally Say Something About Prop 8.

I've always been a "foot in both camps" type of person. When two friends are fighting, I'm usually the one who sees it from both sides. When two ideas conflict, I'm generally to be found sorting out the points they have in common. When given the choice between two differing options, I will find any way possible to choose both. I don't commit to one side particularly easily. So it shouldn't be all that surprising that the leadup and fallout from the Prop 8 campaigns in California have been difficult for me to handle. On the one hand, my religious leaders and many of the people around me came out very strongly in favor of a ban on gay marriage, and I respect that. On the other, all I want is for my friends to be happy - to feel embraced and accepted and empowered and loved. And that definitely includes my friends in the GLBTQ (that's Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, and Questioning) community. And so here I was, once again caught in the middle of a conflict. How was I to remain neutral?

Faced with the possibility of no longer getting to play Switzerland in the Great Marriage War, I did the only thing I could think of at the time: I ran away. I avoided the conversation altogether. "I don't vote in California," I said, and decided that was that. But now that the GLBTQ community and its allies are howling with pain and perfectly understandable outrage, and extraordinarily well-meaning, faithful Latter-Day Saints are once again finding themselves the targets of persecution for merely doing what they believed to be right, I'm starting to recognize my silence for what it was all along: plain old ordinary cowardice. And in the face of a personal attempt to become a fully authentic, honest person, I think I might just have to face this thing head on. And guys, that has me seriously freaked out.

Confession time: I cheated on this blog this week. In a flurry of pain and anxiety Sunday night, I wrote a post on the Feministing Community site. I'm not totally comfortable recommending that you read it (though you can if you want to). I chickened out at the last moment and instead of writing a clear statement of my ideas and the conflict I'm facing, I think I accidentally spit out a lot of passive aggressive whining about my fears with only a little substance behind it. If you're reading this post here right now, I think you've got the gist of what I said. I wrote it in a state of some duress, hit "submit", immediately regretted sending out something before thinking it through first, and then assumed that a few people might look at it and then the whole thing would just blow over.

WRONG. The post went up on the site the next morning. By the time I got home from classes around noon, the comments were climbing and it was being called a "Community Fave" (meaning it's recommended on the Feministing main page). Within hours, it was reposted in full on the main page at Feministing - a very high traffic area, Feministing being one of the major feminist blogs out there (note: I love Feministing, but strong language and content warnings apply). The post topped 150 comments by the end of the day and let me tell you, it was a mixed bag. Several Christian feminists popped out of the woodwork to offer support (some in comments, some via email, one fantastic lady even ventured over to this blog, of all places). Others told me the anxiety I felt was due to cognitive dissonance, since Mormonism and feminism can never be compatible in any way, and I was going to have to leave one community or the other. I was challenged to change things within my faith - I countered by saying I'm perfectly happy to do so within my community. That was good enough for some people. And there were some straight-up anti-religious types who told me to get out while the getting was good. A surprising number of ex-Mormons popped out to offer empathy and their own stories about how this sort of conflict is what led to their leaving the Church. I was asked many, many times to clarify some fairly complex doctrines and comment on the usual skeletons in the Mormon closet (racism, sexism, etc.). Though uncomfortable filling the role of spokesperson for a whole religion - a fact I stated pretty openly - I did the best I could. Some of my words and beliefs may have been distorted by those reading, but that's to be expected. Others were overwhelmingly supportive in their attempts to engage with me, which I ought to have expected even though I didn't. I tried to stick by my convictions but my opinions tend to run toward the fluid end of things, and that made it hard. It was an intense experience to say the least, one that's certain to lead to a lot of intellectual/ideological growth for me. But I can't say as I'd ever like to go through it again.

So in the aftermath of a somewhat battle-weary Monday, I find myself still here. Caught. Still unsure, and still ashamed of that fact. But I'm determined to abandon cowardice and try to make sense of things, even if I can only do so after the time for action has mostly passed. So for the record, here are some of the things I DO personally believe about this issue:

• I believe that Christlike love and Charity is the greatest force for good on earth, the quickest and most effective route to true equality and empathy for all living beings. That sounds cheesy, but it's true. It may be that, as Ivan Karamazov states so succinctly, "Christ's love for people is...a miracle impossible on earth" (BK, p. 237), but I still think that if we all work all our lives to exemplify the traits attributed to real charity, then justice, equality, and compassion for all must naturally follow. Just ponder the attributes listed here and in the highlighted passages here and you'll probably see what I mean. Even if you don't believe in Christ, or God, or any kind of deity or afterlife or whatever, maintaining charitable attributes is still the best thing for a harmonious society.
  
• If feminism is really about making sure that both genders are equal in every way, that everyone is loved and cared for and accepted, that everyone has equal opportunities for success, happiness, and personal fulfillment, then all Mormons should be feminists. We may not fit as a whole into the feminist political movement as it is currently defined, but feminists we are nonetheless.
  
• A civil union is not the same thing as a marriage. Everyone knows that or we wouldn't be arguing about it so much. I'm not saying that that's necessarily a bad or a good thing because sadly I'm just not there yet; I just wish everyone would stop talking around this point and start saying what they really think and believe. It would certainly help me figure out what I think and believe. Right now I'm sensing that there's something underneath a lot of the flawed rhetoric coming from both sides but I just can't figure out what it is.
  
• No one is a label or even a collection of labels - including me. No two people are alike, even if they have enough in common to justify a person categorizing them together. And that's a beautiful thing.
• I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way. Show them all the beauty they possess inside. Give them a sense of pride to make it easier. Let the children's laughter remind us how we used to be!
• Oh wait, that's what Whitney Houston believes.
• Thomas S. Monson is an actual, literal prophet of God. That's one I actually believe.
• Proponents of gay marriage are generally good people who are fighting for what they honestly believe to be right and just. So are opponents of gay marriage.
• Religious persecution is very, very scary. So is constantly being targeted, called out, threatened, and "othered" because of feelings of attraction over which you have no control.
• There might not be any way to easily sort all this out.

That's all I've got to say for the middle of a Wednesday night. Hopefully that's enough for a while. It's just that I'm starting to realize that silence about important things is almost always harmful, while honest, open communication, when reciprocated accordingly, is always helpful. So before my unfortunately short attention span finds something else on which to fixate, I thought I'd try a little honesty.